Having won the toss, Stokes took one look at the grassy, rubbery surface and had not the slightest hesitation in inserting Australia, who were soon in diabolical trouble. Carse was his usual prodigal self, but Atkinson was tight and threatening, and induced one of Head’s kryptonite shots, cutting far too close to his body and edging onto his wicket. And Josh Tongue was devastating. It is an enduring mystery as to why he was not picked in the first two Tests. He pitched the ball up and moved it around, especially back into the right-handers. He picked up Wetherald with a leg-side strangle, Labuschagne fiddling outside off, and Smith with an absolute beauty which seamed in off a very full length and took his stumps. Khawaja had been picked to bat at number five, but he might as well be opening. He and Carey fought it out until lunch, taken at 4/72.
Things did not get much better after lunch. Atkinson caught Khawaja on the crease with an away-cutter and Smith took a simple catch. Then Stokes induced a loose waft from Carey which went straight to Crawley at leg slip. 6/91 was not what anyone had expected. Worse might have followed when Neser on zero edged behind to Smith, but the ball had bounced just in front of his gloves. Feeling that they may as well have a bit of a go, Green and Neser hit a flurry of boundaries and at drinks 6/120 looked marginally better. After all, Australia could comfort themselves with the reflection that the luxurious grass cover would mean the ball won’t stop seaming around any time soon. Nevertheless more runs were an absolute necessity.
The second stanza of the afternoon session was an adrenaline-charged extravagance. Neser continued to attack the ball. In an excess of zeal for the fray he managed to run out the misfortunate Green. Carse picked up Starc from an agricultural hoick to mid-off, during which England had a slice of luck when nobody appeared to notice that the bowler had overstepped. Tongue blasted away the remainder, finishing with an only slightly flattering analysis of 5/42. Yes, there was seam movement. But this was no green mamba, and it didn’t look a 150 pitch. When your Number eight top-scores it is a generally a sign that something has gone wrong. Yet Australia’s plan was clear. Thrash for a bit and get England in as soon as possible. An early tea meant they would have nearly three hours at the visitors. Enough for a few wickets, at least, perchance?
Certainly England’s top order looked their usual evanescent selves. After eight overs from a fire-breathing Starc and Neser England was 4/16. The less said about the hapless Duckett’s attempted leg glance from Starc the better. Jacob Bethel got a ripping away-cutter from Neser which was taken behind. Crawley edged behind to Smith from Starc, and Root wafted at Neser and edged to Carey. Thereupon Brook decreed that his customary hell-for-leather was indeed the right way forward. Perhaps it was. He batted as if there really was no tomorrow, scything his way to 41 from 34 before he missed Boland’s off-cutter and was trapped leg before.
Had he played more circumspectly would he have missed it anyway? Perhaps he would have. Jamie Smith was then undone by another off-cutter. Smith leaves a gap between bat and pad. It wasn’t a gaping chasm. More like a narrow vertical letter-box. But Boland found his way through it. Of course he did. Jacks looked all at sea, but was unfortunate enough to receive yet another giant off-cutter from Boland which also stood up off a length and took his inside edge. Neser returned to the bowling crease and trapped Stokes on the crease. He edged it half-heartedly to Smith in the slips. As at Brisbane, Neser was used as a medium-fast spinner with Carey standing up to the stumps. The deadly effect of having a first-rate keeper prepared to stand up to 130 k deliveries cannot be overstated. The Englishmen love to wander out of the crease and whack the ball thither and yon. But with Carey standing up to the wicket such extravagances cannot be allowed. Thereafter the innings subsided into chaos, though not before Atkinson had flung the bat to good effect. He is a whole-hearted cricketer and should be among the first picked. It took the advent of Green to the crease to pick him up. Incredibly, England had been bowled out in thirty overs.
The day ended with the triumphant Boland playing nightwatchman for the final over of the day. Normally this cannot be justified; but with only one over to play his job was to ensure that Head did not face a ball. Nor did he. The last ball careered off his outside edge for four. It was truly a madcap day. Almost a hundred thousand spectators got their money’s worth. Fours and sixes in plenty, and twenty wickets. Only 76 overs or so were bowled. But there would not have been too many complaints. Another two-day Test match? You would not bet against it. Although the pitch will be faster tomorrow. Will it seam less? Maybe, or maybe not.